Closer to Fine

I cried three times on Thursday. They were all tears of joy and relief.

The first time I cried was while waiting for my MUga test. I got an e-mail from my sister who told me that my nephew Mitch is back from Iraq safe and sound and back on U.S. soil. I was so happy to hear the news, my fears of the tests I had lined up for the day seemed to dissipate. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt the relief that my baby nephew is home safe. Now I just have to worry about him getting hit by a car while he's riding a skateboard.

I had my MUga test and then a PET scan. About an hour after my PET scan I met with my radiologist, Dr. Yao. She is young and very zippy with a lot of compassion and appears to have a lot of knowledge. She said she knew I was probably eagerly awaiting to see the results of my PET scan, so that’s the first thing we would cover. First she pulled up my scan from January. It showed my neck and chest with 10-15 bulging black blobs that used to be my lymph nodes.  It also showed my engorged breasts, filled with breast milk that would no longer be able to give my then three month old.  I remember pumping it out that night and pouring it down the drain because it was filled with radiation and chemo drugs. 


Next, Dr. Yao showed me the scan from that morning and voilà, the black bulges were gone- ALL GONE! She then said the words I will always remember, “Complete Response, no more cancer.” I let out the longest sigh ever, like I had been holding my breath for four months-- and then came the tears. I told Dr. Yao, “I’m just so happy, so happy.”


















After I left Dr. Yao’s office, I called my mom and dad, my brother, my sister, and many friends. Everyone I talked to had the same response, a big sigh of relief followed by tears.

I had an early dinner with Anne and Jeremy and then headed back to my hotel. I had a beautiful hotel room with filtered views of Puget Sound and Lake Union. The sun was starting to set and I sat on the window seat just looking out at all the beauty, that’s when the final tears of the day came. They were not like any tears I’d ever experienced. Not tears that come from a broken heart, or tears of sadness when someone has died, nor tears of grief. They were tears of pure and utter relief and happiness that this is all going to be behind me very soon. The tears were a backlog of tears that I had been holding back for six months since we brought Aurelia to the ER at 2 am in November, since dealing with my placenta accreta, and then my cancer. The black cloud of bad luck that has been following behind me closely had just been halted in its tracks. Like a stalker, it’s been there following closely behind me and I’ve just been trying to ignore it and charge ahead not letting it overtake me. But on Thursday, I turned around and screamed at it to GET LOST because I have won and I refuse to get overtaken by the storm. I won, I won. I WON.

After my crying fit I called more people to tell them the good news, including Dr. Fisher who initially discovered the lump on my neck and I who I credit for saving my life. Dr. Fisher was elated and also happened to be in Seattle and suggested we get together for dinner the next night to celebrate, but unfortunately I was leaving town too early for dinner. There will be plenty of time in the future to celebrate!

On Friday I got round 4A of chemo. My oncologist decided that he would knock one cycle of chemo off my treatment plan and he also knocked off the drug Bleomycin because he felt it may be doing damage to my lungs. Dr. Malpass and Dr. Yao decided on 4 weeks of radiation starting two weeks after my last round of chemo on May 28. Only three more rounds of chemotherapy sounds pretty good to me!

My excitement didn’t end there. Dr. Yao asked me what I was going to do for the next seven hours before my flight left. I joked that I’d probably just wander around downtown high on chemo drugs. She laughed, thinking I was kidding (I wasn't) and then said I should take an earlier flight at which point she went to the AK Air website and found an earlier flight for me. I opted to have a four hour layover in Ketchikan instead. It was so wonderful to see my parents, Perry, Becca and niece Lexie. My friend Penny even swung by and we all went out to dinner at my favorite place in Ketchikan- Diaz Café where they just happened to have my favorite dish as the special. My fortune in my cookie read: “Your luck is about to change.’ I think it is, I think it really is.