It’s shortly before 3 am and I can’t sleep. Aurelia needed a bottle at 2:00 so Addi made it and I fed it to her. While feeding her, I was a zombie, hardly able to keep my eyes open, but as soon as she finished and fell asleep, PING! I am wide awake. Insomnia has been creeping in the past few weeks. It’s a combination of the steroids I’m on as well as a gene I inherited from my father- restlessness. Dad always has said if he could be granted one wish it would be to be as tired at night as he feels in the morning. I full heartedly agree.
I tend to let my mind wander and get off track. Right now I’m thinking about my nephew in Iraq, the orphans in Haiti, my friend Cristina and if she’ll find the right shoes to match her wedding dress. Should I wear a wig to her wedding in July or a scarf? Will I catch the cold that Lena and Addison are battling? When will the letter come from my oncologist? He mailed it on Friday from Seattle; shouldn’t it be here by now? I wish we could adopt an orphan from Haiti. Is the infusion therapist going to call me to set up my chemo on Friday or should I just call her? Will my port-a-cath ever heal? Is Lena going to ask for chocolate pudding for breakfast and when I refuse is she going to have a meltdown?
I mean seriously. Let it go Frances.
I try to meditate and just breathe, but things keep popping into my head. The “To Do” list is making its way into my thoughts now, there’s no turning back when the “To Do” list comes in.
Maybe it’s time to watch some Wings episodes. It’s my sick little obsession. Have you seen Wings? It’s a sitcom that was on in the 90s about a little airport on Nantucket. I used to fall asleep watching it when I was in high school on nights when my “To Do” lists and worries kept me awake. Addison can’t stand it (although he laughs harder than I do when it’s on) but I’ve had an ongoing relationship with the Hacket Brothers, Helen, Lowell, Roy, Fay and Antonio for nearly 20 years now. Addison has his WWII documentaries and I have Wings. I broke down and bought all seven seasons last year. There’s something about it that makes me completely forget everything and I can usually fall asleep before I finish one episode.
Chillcat the kitten is up and tearing through the house. He just did a sneak attack on a very sleeping Lena which didn’t go so well. Perhaps I should introduce him to Wings.
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I can totally relate to this Franny! Those steroids can make you many things besides just an insomniac...And the trail of worries that go through the head...
ReplyDeleteHere are a couple of things to consider--take 'em or leave 'em. The day after chemo they told me to take Tyelonol every 6 hours for 24 hours to help against the lung toxicity of the bleomycin. Now, if you knew me, you would know that I am not one to take medications--espeically Tylenol after all I've heard about it. But, hey, we are putting all these drugs in our body anyway right? So I realized after the first chemo that I couldn't sleep, so I switched to Tyelonl PM, and it does help a lot.
The second thing to consider is that after a few treatments, you can broach the subject with your doctor about decreasing your steroid dose. It is for nausea, and also to prevent against allergic reaction. When I asked my doctor if I could decrease, he succumbed and now I am down to 8mg instead of 20. And it is MUCH better. So that is a thought. It has made the nausea a bit worse..but it seems like its been going that way anyway.
So those are my two cents.
On top of that I'd just like to say YOU GO GIRL!!!! You are doing a great job, and I can see the love and support surrounding you. That helps immensly. And even though we just met, I am sending all kinds of love to you right now.
(Even though it says "Emilio", since he's the one with the Google account, this is from me, Karen)
ReplyDeleteFrances, I just read the two entries -- today's and the first one -- and I have tears in my eyes. You are lucky to have so many true friends and loving family, but we are even luckier to have a person like you to serve as a example. What an attitude! You are much more than a rock star for us! And we're all rooting and applauding for you.
Love, Cousin (more or less) Karen