Where is My Mind

I have round 3A of chemo tomorrow (in layman’s terms, that’s my 5th treatment- 8 more to go!) The first few I galloped into them unaware and unafraid of what was to come. But as I become more of a veteran of chemo, I get more and more apprehensive to run head first into battle. I know it’s something I have to do, but the anxiety starts to rise and I want to turn around and run the opposite direction. I’m seeing more and more of the side effects that come with the treatment. My hair is falling out rapidly. I can’t keep up with the hair floating around our bathroom; it looks like Cousin It has taken up residency. My finger tips are completely numb and that’s a symptom that may last beyond chemo, hopefully not. There's the constant hunger because of the steroids resulting in me gaining 12 pounds since January. None of my clothes fit me anymore and someone asked me if I was pregnant. Then there is there’s the week I’m completely absent from the world.

One of my goals for getting through cancer is that it doesn’t have much of an effect on Lena and Aurelia, especially Lena. I don’t want Lena to remember this part of her childhood as the time when mommy laid around on the couch and couldn’t rough house with her because every time she knocked into mommy’s port-a-cath, mommy winced in pain. I don’t want her to remember that 4 days out of the week; mommy was too knocked out of her gourd on medication to drive to her to school.

So far, Lena doesn’t understand the illness and I’m fine with that. When we say “mommy’s not feeling well,” she looks me over and tells me I look fine to her. She holds my hand and rubs my temple when Addison gives me my shots and says, “You’re doing good mommy. This won’t hurt a bit.” So far, she seems reasonably unaffected and I’m hoping it stays that way, I’m hoping she just doesn’t remember.

But what about me? What will I remember about this time? I woke up the other morning and found my once chubby legged toddler was wearing nothing but underwear and pink ballet flats with glitter. Her new long and lean legs bounced around the house as she sang Do-Re-Me in perfect pitch. Aurelia went from size 2 month clothes to 6-9 months overnight. I don’t remember her even being in 4 month clothing. How is this possible? My children are growing up and I’m missing it.

I’m trying to remember to take lots of pictures, but half the time I can’t remember where I placed the camera (or where Lena absconded with it.) But even if I take pictures, I feel they won’t do justice. I feel as though I’m missing so much. I once heard the phrase, “I’m just sitting around watching my baby grow before my eyes.” It’s so true when they are this young.

They call it chemo brain and I don’t like it. I feel lucky it’s just every other week, but that’s every other week that I’m not present in my kiddo’s lives. Sigh. I was going to end this by saying there’s no way to end this on a positive note, but what am I thinking? Yes, there is. At least I know I’ll be here for them in the future. There may be six months that mommy’s not quite all there, but at least I’ll be there for their future.

PS- Wendy is doing great! The doctor was able to remove the entire tumor, which of course resulted in the removal of her entire left lung. The good news is the doctor thinks its sarcoma and not melanoma. This is good news as far as cancers go. Wendy is healing remarkable and giving the doctors and nurses hell, which means Wendy is back in business.