Fall Apart Again

Wendy died today. I found out first on Facebook which is not the way I want to find out that one of my oldest and dearest friends has died. I wonder who takes pride on broadcasting someone’s death less than 20 minutes after they die, before her close friends even have the chance to hear about it. It was so unfathomable that I had to call my friend Melissa to confirm it. Unfortunately, Melissa confirmed exactly what I read on Facebook.

This comes less than 24 hours after hearing of a close family friend’s death who died on his boat just yesterday. And less than 12 hours since I called 911 because Aurelia was choking and my mom and I couldn’t get whatever was in her mouth out even though we were smacking her back so hard I thought for sure we were breaking ribs. Thankfully, while I was on the phone, she swallowed whatever it was and started breathing again. The fire department still came and gave her the thumbs up. But seriously; Brian’s death, Aurelia’s big scare, and now Wendy. I just can’t take this anymore. I have no more nerves left. I thought there would be a point where the tears have stopped flowing because there were none left, but I’ve cried what seems like buckets and they are still flowing.

Wendy’s death isn’t hitting me hard just because she is my friend. Wendy and I were diagnosed with cancer around the same time. Tonight I re-read the e-mail she sent me on January 20th, a couple weeks after I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s. She told me she was having troubles breathing and that she had a lump on her lung and wondered what she should do about it. I told her to go see a doctor and insist on them doing a biopsy. Next thing I know, she has her lung removed and then less than three months after that, she’s gone. In the end, Wendy’s brain tumors got too big and started causing her to have strokes. She was supposed to start Radiation tomorrow to reduce the size of them, but she ended up in the hospital again just a few days after I saw her last week. Last night, she suffered a brain hemorrhage, was put on life support, and was taken off this morning. Even though I knew Wendy’s diagnosis was not good, I thought she’d have at least a year, not a few days. I wanted to be there to fight it with her and extend her life as long as she could fight it. I wanted to be able to hold her hand again, laugh at our mismatched friendship, and most importantly help her in any way that I could. She was not supposed to be the Hillary in this friendship, neither of were supposed to be. She lost this battle just as I was getting ready to celebrate my victory. It really takes the wind out of my sails leaving it difficult to even want to celebrate.

When Wendy was here on Tuesday, I could tell that she was very afraid to die. She was very sad at the thought of leaving her children who meant the world to her. In a way I find comfort in the fact that she will not spend the next year worrying about leaving them behind, but I also feel for Austin and Kassi who were shortened time with their beautiful mother. I know she was in an incredible amount of pain, but I hope in her final moments, she did not know that she was dying.

The picture at the top is my favorite picture of the two of us. We're in seventh grade and Wendy was being her regular silly self. I was laughing so hard the smile on my face is about to burst. This is how I will remember my friend, always making me smile.

Goodbye Ydnew. I guess you got your way, you got to keep your hair. Although, I must say I was looking forward to you sporting a Harley Davidson Skull cap. Love, Secnarf.

I feel as though just as things were starting to improve in my life, I was just knocked back down. When will this end?