Hasn't Hit Me Yet

My friend Elizabeth flew in from Minnesota for the week and it really couldn’t have been at a better time. If she hadn’t of come, I probably would have holed up in the condo and swam in gloom and doom until my fingers were pruned.

Elizabeth and I met in college while doing a show together called Starmites. It’s a terribly written musical that takes place in outer space. I played the role of a Nazi Banshee and Elizabeth was the leader of the Banshee pack and her character’s name was simply Diva, which I might add really fits my friend. It’s a title she is okay with and we lovingly call her, “Diva E.” In auditions, I was the plain no make-up girl in a t-shirt, jeans and running shoes with my hair pulled back in a pony tail, and she was the girl with spandex, character shoes and hair as big as all the members in an 80s hair band combined. When she walked into the auditions (I swear she kicked the door open and the theme from Fame played) all I could think of was, “Please don’t sit by me, please don’t sit by me.” She sat right by me and we became the best of friends. As my dad says, Elizabeth is the one who taught me how to be a girl. She showed me how to do my makeup, fix my hair and taught me that it’s not a mortal sin to wear a dress. Lena’s middle name is Elizabeth, after her.

It is impossible to be sad around Elizabeth. Within an hour of Diva E. landing, she and Mini E. were singing all the songs from Annie and Sound of Music, with the perfect choreography to go with each song. I was laughing really hard and enjoying the show watching while Aurelia yearned to join them. Elizabeth accompanied me to my radiation in the mornings and she was with my on Wednesday when I walked in and the radiation team told me “Congratulations, it’s your last day!” My response was simply, “No it’s not.”

Back in June was I was given a calendar with all dates and time slots for my radiation and it went until July 20th, so when they told me on July 14th that I was done, I was a bit confused. It turns out they were right. There was a miscommunication between my doctor and the coordinator and I only had to do 17 treatments, not 20. Elizabeth and the radiation team were jumping up and down celebrating and I just stood there looking really confused, and most likely really stupid. I wasn’t ready to be done. I hadn’t mentally prepared myself that after 7 ½ months of treatments, that today would be my last day. I can’t really describe what I was feeling. There was a combination of shock, happiness, relief and fear. Yes, fear. As they bolted me into position, I was choking back tears as my mind flew a million miles a minute. There was relief that it was all finally over, but also fear that kept coming up in my head. What if this comes back some day and I have to go through all this again? I tried to push the thought out of my head, but it wouldn’t budge. And of course, I thought about Wendy.

When I came out of the radiation room, the team and Elizabeth clapped and cheered for me. They had me ring a bell three times to signal that I was done with radiation. I also received a certificate of completion.

Elizabeth and I celebrated by heading straight to Piroshky, Piroshky. I then went and bought Lena a dress. On all my trips to Seattle for chemo, I always bought a dress to bring back to Lena as a gift. For some reason, she calls them her “Alaska Airlines Dresses.” I wanted to get her a “Celebration Dress” to close out this chapter for her too. Then we went to Nordstrom’s where Elizabeth insisted I get a makeover at the Smashbox makeup counter. The makeup artist was super sweet and even “styled” my short hair for the first time since its grown back.

We ended our day by venturing up to Swedish Hospital to meet and visit with Janice who is a new friend of mine. She is currently undergoing chemo to fight cancer and is an avid reader of my blog. Her cousin Travis who I’ve known for years turned her onto my blog so she would know others are going through what she is going through. It was weird being back in a room filled with all the smells and drugs that made me sick at one time, but it also felt good being there as living proof that those drugs work and that it was all worth it. I look forward to keeping in touch with Janice as she too gets to celebrate her remission in the near future.

I’ve been asked a lot if my picnic is canceled on Sunday due to the fact that Wendy’s memorial is on Saturday. I’ve really thought hard and long about it. I can’t say that I’ve been in much of a celebratory mood, but I finally came to a conclusion. I am here, I am alive. People could be coming to my funeral instead of a party to celebrate the fact that I’m still here. The plain and simple fact of the matter is, I’d rather being going to a party with Wendy than without her and I hope my friends feel the same way about me. Too many times we don’t spend enough time in our lives celebrating our friendships and oftentimes, it’s too late. It’s a good lesson to be learned- we need celebrate our friendships and good health and the plain and simple fact that- we can.

With that said, Saturday is going to be hard. Even though I am aware of Wendy’s death and I’ve cried every day since Sunday, I can’t say it’s really hit me yet. None of this has hit me. I’ll still expect to see Brian on the Pacific Queen, I’ll still expect to hear Wendy’s loud voice booming through the crowd on Saturday, and after 7 ½ months, I can’t get used to the fact that I am done with all of this. When things are so ingrained in your life, it’s a bit of a shock when it’s all suddenly gone and over, whether it was welcomed or not.

So what’s next? I have Wendy’s memorial on Saturday, Sunday I’m having a Seattle celebration picnic (12:00 at Madrona Park,) and on Monday I am meeting with both my oncologist and my radiation specialist to discuss my future as a survivor in remission. Then finally, Tuesday I get to come back home to Juneau!